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my sun in winter, my reason in fog
09 March 2015 @ 11:24 pm
Sooo. It's been two years. So there's a lot that hasn't been mentioned in this journal. I've been with Eli for over a year now, Jordan has moved out, I recently got a brand new car.

My cousin in Washington also recently 'inherited' a medical marijuana co-op. Eli's dream job is to work in the marijuana industry, so he's kind of trying to get an in on this, and Alicia seems open to it. We've briefly discussed it before, and I've told him I'd be open to moving up north. But now it's a very definite possibility.

And to be honest, I am all for it. I would love to get away from here and would love to start this big adventure with him. I love him more than anyone and I think we could make it. But it kind of terrifies me to leave.

And there's this god forsaken house. It's caused this huge rift between me and my grandparents because he doesn't want anything to do with it. He keeps trying to put it in my name, so that it would be all my responsibility. I've been hesitant for this very reason... I don't want to be tied to this house forever. But it scares me to even think about telling him that I want to move out of it.

I need to talk to my mom to figure out how to handle my grandfather and the house. Because it kind of looks like this could really happen.

Anyway, who knows when I'll write in here again but I needed an outlet, I guess.
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
01 December 2012 @ 05:47 pm
Aaah, so this is my first time using the new update page... ehhh.

But anyway. I've talked a bit about Cody on twitter, but have kind of avoided writing anything here, just because... I'm a bit silly about believing in jinxing myself. But I'm giddy, honestly, so here goes.

I met him at Brittany's Halloween party, and we got along pretty well, and Brittany mentioned that after he left, said that was all the hinting she was going to do. I thought he was cute, and she'd kind of gotten in my head. Somewhat unrelated, but the next day, Kyle Kinder, who I've mentioned before, texted me to tell me how sexy I looked. He's married and was there with his wife. I whined about how unfair it was that the single, cute guy didn't look me up. But a few days later, he friended me on fb, send me multiple invites, and after I finally agreed to go to Ganache with him and his friends, he gave me his number and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said yes, and then the whole thing with Don went down and I kind of locked myself in the house. During that, he told me he thought I was cute and really wanted to get to know me.

Eventually, obviously, I went out with him. It escalated pretty quickly. He kissed me the first night, and I went home with him. He mentioned that we could make a good couple, and told me it wasn't going to be a one-time thing. And it hasn't been. I've stayed at his place several times, we've gone on actual dates, he's introduced me to his friends. He's smart, he's cute, he's funny, I like him a lot. I can't say that it'll ever be official, and at this point, I don't need it to be. I'm happy with this right now.

Anyway, it's simple, but the source of my giddiness is this: I've had to work til past midnight the last few nights, so we haven't seen each other. He texted me just now to ask what I was doing tonight, I asked him if he wanted to go out and he said, 'Yes. With YOU.' I feel like I'm bursting at the seams holding in my squeals.
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
27 November 2012 @ 06:14 pm
Or, Why I Love The Buried Life.

1. Stop placing all the blame on other people for how they interact with you. To an extent, people treat you the way you want to be treated. A lot of social behavior is cause and effect. Take responsibil
ity for (accept) the fact that you are the only constant variable in your equation.

2. Stop being lazy by being constantly “busy.” It’s easy to be busy. It justifies never having enough time to clean, cook for yourself, go out with friends, meet new people. Realize that every time you give in to your ‘busyness,’ it’s you who’s making the decision, not the demands of your job.

3. Stop seeking out distractions. You will always be able to find them.

4. Stop trying to get away with work that’s “good enough.” People notice when “good enough” is how you approach your job. Usually these people will be the same who have the power to promote you, offer you a health insurance plan, and give you more money. They will take your approach into consideration when thinking about you for a raise.

5. Stop allowing yourself to be so comfortable all the time. Coming up with a list of reasons to procrastinate risky, innovative decisions offers more short-term gratification than not procrastinating. But when you stop procrastinating to make a drastic change, your list of reasons to procrastinate becomes a list of ideas about how to better navigate the risk you’re taking.

6. Stop identifying yourself as a cliche and start treating yourself as an individual. Constantly checking your life against a prewritten narrative or story of how things “should” be is a bought-into way of life. It’s sort of like renting your identity. It isn’t you. You are more nuanced than the narrative you try to fit yourself into, more complex than the story that “should” be happening.

7. Stop expecting people to be better than they were in high school — learn how to deal with it instead. Just because you’re out of high school doesn’t mean you’re out of high school. There will always be people in your life who want what you have, are threatened by who you are, and will ridicule you for doing something that threatens how they see their position in the world.

8. Stop being stingy. If you really care about something, spend your money on it. There is often a notion that you are saving for something. Either clarify what that thing is or start spending your money on things that are important to you. Spend money on road trips. Spend money on healthy food. Spend money on opportunities. Spend money on things you’ll keep.

9. Stop treating errands as burdens. Instead, use them as time to focus on doing one thing, and doing it right. Errands and chores are essentially rote tasks that allow you time to think. They function to get you away from your phone, the internet, and other distractions. Focus and attention span are difficult things to maintain when you’re focused and attentive on X amount of things at any given moment.

10. Stop blaming yourself for being human. You’re fine. Having a little anxiety is fine. Being scared is fine. Your secrets are fine. You’re well-meaning. You’re intelligent. You’re blowing it out of proportion. You’re fine.

11. Stop ignoring the fact that other people have unique perspectives and positions. Start approaching people more thoughtfully. People will appreciate you for deliberately trying to conceive their own perspective and position in the world. It not only creates a basis for empathy and respect, it also primes people to be more open and generous with you.

12. Stop seeking approval so hard. Approach people with the belief that you’re a good person. It’s normal to want the people around you to like you. But it becomes a self-imposed burden when almost all your behavior toward certain people is designed to constantly reassure you of their approval.

13. Stop considering the same things you’ve always done as the only options there are. It’s unlikely that one of the things you’ll regret when you’re older is not having consumed enough beer in your 20s, or not having bought enough $5 lattes, or not having gone out to brunch enough times, or not having spent enough time on the internet. Fear of missing out is a real, toxic thing. You’ve figured out drinking and going out. You’ve experimented enough. You’ve gotten your fill of internet memes. Figure something else out.

14. Stop rejecting the potential to feel pain. Suffering is a universal constant for sentient beings. It is not unnatural to suffer. Being in a constant state of suffering is bad. But it is often hard to appreciate happiness when there’s nothing to compare it to. Rejecting the potential to suffer is unsustainable and unrealistic.

15. Stop approaching adverse situations with anger and frustration. You will always deal with people who want things that seem counter to your interests. There will always be people who threaten to prevent you from getting what you want by trying to get what they want. This is naturally frustrating. Realize that the person you’re dealing with is in the same position as you — by seeking out your own interests, you threaten to thwart theirs. It isn’t personal — you’re both just focused on getting different things that happen to seem mutually exclusive. Approach situations like these with reason. Be calm. Don’t start off mad, it’ll only make things more tense.

16. Stop meeting anger with anger. People will make you mad. Your reaction to this might be to try and make them mad. This is something of a first-order reaction. That is, it isn’t very thoughtful — it may be the first thing you’re inclined to do. Try to suppress this reaction. Be thoughtful. Imagine your response said aloud before you say it. If you don’t have to respond immediately, don’t.

17. Stop agreeing to do things that you know you’ll never actually do. It doesn’t help anyone. To a certain extent, it’s a social norm to be granted a ‘free pass’ when you don’t do something for someone that you said you were going to do. People notice when you don’t follow through, though, especially if it’s above 50% of the time.

18. Stop ‘buying’ things you know you’ll throw away. Invest in friendships that aren’t parasitic. Spend your time on things that aren’t distractions. Put your stock in fleeting opportunity. Focus on the important.

19. Stop being afraid.
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
17 June 2012 @ 10:51 pm
"Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it’s personal. And the world won’t end.

And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don’t miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your nails, dress up and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.” And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking."

-Audre Lorde
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
08 June 2012 @ 10:01 pm
I'm pretty certain I have literally the worst roommate. THE WORST. I won't even go into it, but yeah. This was possibly the biggest mistake I've ever made. And I feel I've made a lot of mistakes in the last year, so... that's saying something.

But she's going out of town for the weekend, and I have the weekend off. So I'm going to make the most of it, and I'm going to cleeeean like a fool, and when she comes back, it's going to stay that way. New rules are going to be made, and THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE.
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
29 December 2011 @ 11:48 pm
I can't find this on youtube to link it, but this is pretty much my theme song when it comes to dating and boys in general.

I'm not anybody's baby, I'm not anybody's gal.
Well, you can buy me a beer, take me out on the town,
but I'd rather eat bees than hold your hand.
Oh, I'm not anybody's gal.

i can't stand to hear you wailin', I'm not here to ease your pain.
Well, you can tell me I'm cruel, and that I just don't care,
but your tears of water run down my beer.
No, I won't run my fingers through your despair.
Oh, no.

I don't need someone to save me, my salvation's at the bar.
You said, 'Baby, maybe, we could feel amore!'
Gosh, I never heard that line before.
I don't want your cumbersome lonely heart.

Don't call me when you're feelin' alone,
'cause I'll laugh in your face and then hang up the phone.
Just send me a bottle and let me be on my own.
No, I'm not anybody's baby, I don't need to find a man.

You keep tellin' me, 'Lovey, you need someone who understands.'
But I'd rather kiss the bottom of a garbage can.
No, thanks, I feel pretty good just the way that I am.
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
15 December 2011 @ 12:45 am
The end of tonight's Psych was the sweetest thing I've seen in forever. THIS SHOW. How does it do this to me?
music: Winter Winds - Mumford & Sons
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
05 December 2011 @ 01:40 am

My hair, it's pretty.
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
04 December 2011 @ 02:32 pm
Whatever the hell was going on with Don seems to have ended. Good riddance. Sometimes I miss the company, but every time I see his girlfriend comment on his facebook, I feel better about it.

ONE DAY I will find a guy that I like that likes me just as much, doesn't have a girlfriend, and doesn't move too fast. Such a man exists, and I will find him, eventually.
my sun in winter, my reason in fog
28 November 2011 @ 01:51 am
I just wish I understood. I want so badly for this to just be friendship, but the things he asks just do not say friendship. And as much as I try to turn things away from that, it somehow always goes back.

It almost seems obvious that he's after something else, and my continuing this almost feels like being naive. So what does that say about me?

I almost can't wait for him to leave in February.

And I have a really bad feeling in my stomach about letting him come over to my house to drink tomorrow, and yet, I'm doing it. I am a stupid, stupid girl sometimes.